The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
