so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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