Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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