I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Jerry, you need to find god
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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