I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
