My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
The uberlube is also flammable
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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