I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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