You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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