All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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