Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
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