Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
