You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
