I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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