No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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