I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
