I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
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Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
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Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
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