I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
