you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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