Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
