I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
