Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
