Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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