I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
