I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
