I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I wish life had little blips of pornography
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
