does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
