How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
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