Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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