Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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