I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
they're like a gay fantastic four
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
