i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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