Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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