i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
she told me i tasted like america
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
