It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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