The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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