he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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