I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
