I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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