she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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