im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
COCAINE IS GR8
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