"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
