I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
