Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
