It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays