I met the friendliest cop last night
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
