Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
ttyl tear gas
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.