Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
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I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
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I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.