my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
He did a backflip because drugs
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
