goodnight i made you a song goodbye
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
