im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
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So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
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Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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