I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
