You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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