There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
