From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
