I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
