Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
