this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
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She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
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I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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