the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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