Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
