Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
