just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
