I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
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I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
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