Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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